Sunday, June 2, 2013

Looking back, a quick summery.

I just wrote a really short article for the quarterly magazine for the LGBT organization I work for. I didn't have much space so I just made a really short summery of the whole "oh my, I might be trans" thing. I started at the beginning and skipped most of what is now the middle to get to where I am now. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the road ahead. Starting hormone treatment means my body will finally start to change. It feels like a beginning. But I just realized it isn't. It's the end of the beginning. The beginning has been the journey up to this point. And it has been a long one. I keep forgetting that. So I'm taking a moment to look back.

About two years ago I first started to allow myself to even consider this male/female thing. Before then it was my deepest, darkest secret and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I hid it so far from the rest of the world I even hid it from myself most of the time. I tried really hard to be a good girl, or more, to be good at being a girl. But I always felt like a failure, like I was doing something wrong. In a way I was right, I was doing something wrong. I was barking up the wrong tree. I knew I was but I didn't see any other options. I was miserable and convinced I would always stay that way because I could never be what I really wanted to be. I couldn't live like that. 

So I took a chance. I started looking around on the internet, gathering information about transgenderism and applying it to my own case. I started looking at my life in a different light and suddenly things made a lot more sense. I talked to some friends and they all responded very relaxed, agreeing that living as a man would indeed suit me much better. I made more sense as a man to them as well. I put myself on the waiting list to get treatment and took a deep breath. A weight fell off me. 

I had made my choice, and then it was time to tell people. So I did. My mother almost cried, she was so afraid I would be an outcast and would ruin my chance at being happy. I don't blame her. It's not easy being trans. But my friends all responded really well. Most of them were mostly curious as to how it all works. People told me they were proud of me for choosing to be myself, which sounds silly but they're right as too many people are afraid to be true to themselves, gender aside. People told me they thought it was cool. And they asked all kinds of questions, some of which I didn't have an answer to because I hadn't thought about it yet and those questions helped me understanding things better myself. Over all, it was a good experience. I got lucky. 

And then there was the screening. The big test to see if you're not just nuts and if you're the real deal. But also to see if you are able to deal with the changes because they're pretty big indeed. So I filled out the endless questioners, wrote my life story, brought along a friend and talked and talked and talked. All according to protocol. I don't think I agree with the protocol completely but I understand they want to make sure you can get through this life changing event okay. Finally they sent me to see a different psychiatrist and he agreed I was indeed 'born in the wrong body' and I could start hormone treatment. Relief washed over me. 

Of course, every time you get some good news you get put on hold again. It's been nearly 3 months since I was given the okay and I still don't have my hormones. Next week, if all goes well, so almost now. This constantly being put on hold takes its toll. It's much harder then people realize. But I'm almost there. Once I start hormones at least the changes will start and I will really feel like I am on my way. It's like taking the train to the airport. You don't feel like you're really on your way until your on the plane but you've left home long ago. I'm on my way alright, and I have left many miles behind me already. 

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