I survived Christmas!

I am seriously thinking about planning a holiday for next Christmas so I won't have to think about it too much. Christmas Eve I managed to ignore completely. I just made a normal dinner, watched a movie and went to bed early.

On Christmas day my sister came over with her family. Her boyfriend fits her perfectly. They both have the same trades that have always made me wonder if she would ever find someone she wouldn't drive insane. They are like 2 peas in a pod. I'm happy for her. I did notice we are drifting apart. We live in different worlds. If we weren't siblings we probably would have given up ages ago but we keep trying, stay in touch and let each other know what's going on in lives. I really am happy she is happy but our connection is weak. She didn't say a word about our mother and was clearly determined to keep it that way. We were trying to have a nice family dinner so such topics had to be avoided. She didn't have time to see me by herself while she's in the country (she lives in Australia) so I won't be able to talk to her about all of this at all any time soon. I would have liked to  know how she feels about my transition but I guess I can always send her an email.

I spent Boxing day with my 2 best friends which was really nice even though we were all tired. At least it was something. And the food was good.


After Christmas my father came over for a few days. He's actually still here but went to visit some friends. Usually, when he is in Holland, he stays at my mother's place (he lives in Germany) or at his brother's who lives further South. Because my sister is staying at my mother's place and he did want to be near by to see my sister and me he asked if he could stay at my place. I'm not a big fan of having him stay over because he has annoying habits that get on my nerves but I figured I'd take one for the team so both my brother (who lives up North and yes, we're all over the place) and sister would be able to see him. He went and had dinner with my mother yesterday. He told me they didn't speak of me. Not one word. It feels like I am dead to her. Somehow that's not a bad thing. This is the first year I didn't get a Christmas card from her. The last time we didn't speak she did send me cards, every year. It really annoyed me back then but now I didn't get one this year I'm aware of what it really meant. She was still holding on and open to trying to mend our bond. This time it's different. No more Christmas cards. This time she is letting go and moving on. This means I can too. It's a bit scary to write that down because it feels so definitive. But that's just the way it is. She doesn't seem to leave me much of a choice. She has made her choice and mine is a logical response to hers. It's the only thing I can do. So now I am another step closer to claiming my own life. Slowly but surely, one day I will be me.


In the mean time I have started writing my life story for A. Man at the gender team. It's a slow and painful process. I'm not sure how much 'but I wanted to be a boy' stuff he expects in there because most of my life I had buried it so deep I didn't even know it was an issue. I talked about this with my father, about my mother and how she had wanted to have a boy and how that confused me when I was little. She once told me, ages ago, that she would rather have been a boy as well. I wasn't ready to admit I did too so I never got back to it until last spring when I told her about my decision to transition. She denied ever having said that. But according to my father it is true. He told me that she did indeed have gender issues. What to make of that? I don't know. Her parents survived POW camps in Indonesia and they taught her two important lessons: always keep your head down, and don't get attached to people. That's how they survived. So that's what she did. She decided to not give in to it and to keep her head down. And now I'm not keeping my head down she is pushing me away. I can't blame her. From her point of view it makes perfect sense. I guess if this is what she needs to do, then so be it. It's time for me to move on. So here I go. 2013, here I come.



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I had my first meeting with the gender team in Woerden.

The journey has begun.

After months of waiting I finally had my first meeting at the Psycho Informa Groep (P.I.G. and yes that is unfortunate) with Mr A. Man (I'm still serious), a short, slightly bold fellow with blue eyeliner and a purple shirt. He asked me why I was there. A very good question which sounds simpler then it is. But what it boils down to is that my body doesn't fit how I see myself and I can't change the way I feel. So the only option left is to change my body to fit me as a person. I don't want to become a man. A lot of people think I do and sometimes that's what I say but it's not what I mean. I already am a man. I just happen to be in a female body and have a very developed feminine side. I think everyone is a bit of both but most people don't realize it because they are not confronted with it. There are only very few people who fit the male or female stereotype. Do you know anyone who does? 100%? Are you sure? I think I know one guy who does and I know quite a lot of people. He told me a lot of trans people have trouble accepting this. Most trans people have grown to hate their birth gender which is not healthy and takes time to heal. I'm lucky in that way. Part of me will always be girly as hell. I will always be able to chat for hours with a cup of tea and a bucket of chocolate. And there are plenty of other things that 'real men' don't do that I love. I'm cool with that and it seems to me the people around me are as well. Gender is a point of view, a gray scale. It's no longer a marker that determines how you should live your life.

A. Man and I talked for about 2 hours, much longer then I had expected. He's direct but friendly. He asked the right questions, making me think about how and why and what it is that I really want. I think that, in this short period, I already have a better idea of where I want to be in a few years time and of who I really am. I spent so long adapting to my surroundings, pretending to be what I felt society wanted me to be, it has become a second nature, a reflex. I remember, 5 years ago, I bought myself a pair of gloves. It was the first thing I did for myself in a long time. A small act but a huge gesture. Now I am taking things to the next level. I've come to accept who I am, as far as I know myself. Now I am going to be myself. I'm even thinking about doing the hysterectomy for the first time. There are a lot of downsides to it but somehow, today, I feel it would bring me one step closer to myself, away from the lie I have been living.

He explained the procedure to me, the screening, the real life phase and hormone treatment and then the surgery. It's pretty much the same set up as the hospital in Amsterdam only it takes less time. I should be able to get through the screening in about 4 months. And then I have to find someone they can refer me to for hormone treatment. I'm hoping I can get someone at the Local hospital, the LUMC, to do it so I don't have to travel so much. Screening is slightly different from the way they do it in Amsterdam where you get 6 meetings, all a month apart and that's it. Here I get to see him once every week or every 2 weeks and I get as many meetings as he feels I need to get ready for the next step. He wants me to write my life story and expects it to be about 20-25 pages instead of just one page they want in Amsterdam. I do need to sort out a few things with my insurance which will be a pain in the ass but it should be worth it. I also need a new referral from my doctor because the one I had has expired thanks to the waiting list. Lovely. But that's all minor detail when I think about being able to start hormones before my birthday next summer. Bring on the ginger beard!


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A survey on selfharm. Children need our help.

A friend of mine is doing a survey to determine how well students are being helped at school when they struggle with automutilation, also knows as selfharm (SH). I find it very important that she is doing this. The results will serve as a guide to write a protocol for schools on how to act when they find a student in such a situation. Right now there are no guidelines what so ever for this. As a result precious time is lost in helping these children. Depression in teens is much more common then we would like to admit and a very serious problem. Selfharm is not about getting attention. It's about survival. It's a way to deal with the struggles and pain that otherwise become too great to handle. Most of the time parents don't have a clue or are part of the problem. When parents fail to protect their children it's time for the community to step in and take action. Since most children spend most of their time at school it makes sense for teachers to notice the signs and respond to them. Most teachers don't know what they should be looking for though. And if they do notice something is wrong, they don't know how to respond. So they leave the kid alone and hope it's just a phase and it will pass. For some it does pass. For others it ends in suicide. But the majority is left to struggle on for years and years, perhaps the rest of their lives. The sooner they can get help, the sooner things will get better and the greater the odds are they will be able to be happy some day. So if you have struggled with self harm during school and live in the Netherlands, please fill out the survey. If you know someone who did, pass it on. A lot of children out there need our help.

http://www.thesistools.com/web/?id=304850


I filled out the survey as well. I started selfharming when I was about 12 I think. I'm not entirely sure. It was a strange time. No one noticed. I would cut my upper arms at first. I would wear a short sleeved shirt at gym class so I'm pretty sure someone saw. But nobody said anything. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. My sister once asked if I could stop banging my head against the wall in the middle of the night because it would wake her up. But that's all.  My eating disorder grew worse and worse. So did my drinking, which I started when I was 8, believe it or not. And when I was 15 I started doing drugs. Just weed at first, but that's where we all start, isn't it?

I finally managed to quite when I was 29. The cutting, the drinking, everything. And now I am healthy and fit. But I still feel sad a lot of the time. I still feel lonely, unloved and unlovable like I did growing up. I still have days when I get the urge to get out a knife and rip myself to pieces. I don't think that will ever completely go away. But I keep on fighting. I keep on going. I keep on surviving. And I'm still here.

I don't know what would have happened if someone would have noticed what was really going on sooner. My parents did send me to a psychiatrist at some point and told me I could stop going there if my grades improved. My grades did improve and I could stop going. But I only felt worse. It's not just about grades and how things look on the surface. If they had spend a bit more time noticing me, maybe they would have seen what was happening. Maybe I would not feel so lonely today.



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New Year's resolutions.

I never make them. I don't see why the start of a year should be the time to change things. You can change anything you want at any time. That's what I try to do. When things go sideways I try to change them as soon as I see it happen. I make that sound so easy. It's not. The trick is to notice things going bad and because they usually happen slowly we hardly notice. We make plans and start with good intentions but most of it never happens because we slip back into old habits. They're habits because they are easy and all creatures like easy. But easy is usually what we are used to, not what is best for us. Else I would have told my mother to leave me alone a long time ago. I've tried to keep her happy, or less miserable, for a long time. It determined most of my actions and because of it I was unable to lead my own life. I didn't know what I wanted at all. I started working on that about 4 years ago. The first revolutionary thing I did was buy myself some gloves. It was winter and I would walk everywhere and my fingers would be freezing but I felt like I wasn't worth the 2 euro's for a pair of the simplest gloves. It was a huge gesture. A symbolic act. It was a start.


So here I am, 4 years later. I'm healthy, a lot happier and less depressed. I have a nice place of my own that really feels like a home. I have plenty of friends. I have lots of work to do though most of it is unpaid but they are things I love to do so that's okay. But still, I'm not sure what I want in life. What I really want. Where I want to be 10 years from now. Most people have some sort of idea of what their lives should look like by then. Where they will live, with who, what they will be doing work wise. I don't know. I really don't. But I have been thinking and have come up with some sort of idea of where I want to be in about 5 years. Nothing concrete though. It's more general and about how I want to feel. How I want to look at life. But there is no point in saying you want to change your life if you don't set up a plan and take action. So I have set up a list of things to do for 2013. I'll share it with you. Maybe you can get some inspiration from it.


* Cook a recipe from a cook book once a week to find new flavors and ideas.
* Read more about why food is or isn't healthy.
* Limit unhealthy foods to one day a month which a plan ahead.
* Start doing tai chi and Yin Yoga.
* Look for ways to fall asleep faster so I don't spend so much time in bed thinking.
* Meditate.
* Make a bucket list and try to do something from that list at least once a month.
* Get my Carpe Jugulum tattoo as a reminder to live my life for myself.
* Paint.
* Draw. Don't get upset if it doesn't look like much at first. Keep at it. It will get better.
* Be more open to my friends about how I feel.
* Hug more.
* Write, about anything and everything that I find worth writing about.
* Continue to teach and improving my teaching skills.
* Read.
* Don't think too much: act.


So there it is. My list of things to do for the time to come. And that time starts now, not in 3 weeks. If you want to change things in your life, and I do, the time to start acting accordingly is now. So I am going to get me a nice cup of tea and the book I borrowed from a friend last week and do a bit of reading before I head to the kitchen.

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Just a suggestion: squats.

As a group fitness instructor I see a lot of people doing the same thing at the same time. That way you really notice the little differences, little variations people create to make things easier or because they don't fully understand what they should be doing and which muscles they should be using. There are things that I see happen over and over again so I decided to hand you a little tip, a suggestion if you will. Just one at a time so next time you're in your workout you don't have to think of a million things at the same time and can't get a single one right because it's too much.


Today my suggestion is on squats. It's very simple: keep your knees behind your toes.

Why? Several reasons. The first one is that if you push your knees forwards when you are doing squats you put a lot of pressure on your knee joints. They don't like that. There are all kinds of things in that complex joint that can tear or get irritated and inflamed. If you often get sore knees after doing squats you are probably pushing your knees forwards and should keep an eye on them.

The other reason has to do with efficiency. If you move your knees forward you shift the weight off the heel of your foot to the front. When you push up in your squat you want to activate the back of your legs and mostly your butt. That's why we do squats after all, for strong legs and a nice firm butt. You want to be able to squeeze that butt and you can only do that if you push from your heels. If you have been squatting for a while and are not making any progress, this could be why.


How? I think I already mentioned that. Keep your weight on your heels. That's the most important thing. You can check if your weight is to the back my lifting your toes. Not much, just enough to see you can. That's all. What you also need to do is stick that butt back! You're at the gym. If you still look sexy after your workout, you haven't been working hard enough. So forget about looking silly with your butt sticking out. You will look a lot sillier using poor technique and even worse when you've been coming there for ages and still haven't booked any results. So push that butt back before you go down. Trust me.


I hope this helps. And yes, at first, if you make this change, it will get harder. But that's the whole point. If it's easy, you're not getting results and that's what we're here for after all. Else we could just stay and home and watch TV. Let me know how it goes.

If you have any questions on technique, you can always ask me. I don't know everything but always try to learn new things so if I don't have the answer I'll try to find it for you.

Have a good day!

facebook.com/TylerFokker

It's official!

I have been working as the coordinator for the Trans*-initiative at the COC Leiden for a while now. By the way, COC stands for Cultuur- en Ontspannings Centrum: cultural and leisure center. So it has nothing to do with cock. Well, a little but not in that way.

As a lot of us know the T in GLBT has been neglected for a long time and now things are finally changing. The Trans*-initiative was started in 2011 but wasn't officially a division of the COC yet. Since last night, by vote of the members of the COC, it now is! This means the COC has now officially committed itself to promote the emancipation of transgenders in the region of Leiden. This is a great step forwards. It means we can start making long term plans and start collaborating with other, larger organizations and really get things done.

So far we have been organizing the GenderFreeZone evenings with a workshop and a party which is a great start as it is a meeting place for transgenders of all kinds to get to know each other, pick up a few skills, share their stories and see they are not alone. But this is only one evening every 3 months or so. This does not change our daily struggles when people look at us and don't know what to call us. Or call us names... So there is still a lot to be done. We have been in contact with the local university to see what we can do to help them to make things better for trans students there but this is all really fresh and it will still take some time before things will really change. The biggest challenge is to change how people think. That's something we can only do one person at a time, with patience and understanding. There needs to be more information available about what it means to be transgender. Not about the surgeries and the waitinglists. People don't care and it doesn't help them understand how we feel. It's all too technical. So we need to find a way to help people understand what it feels like to be different and to be judged for being different, while we don't even want to be different. We just want to be ourselves and to be loved for who we are.

If you have any ideas how we can make that happen, if you are experiencing problems because you are trans or if you know of people around you who are facing obstacles because of their gender issues, please let me know so maybe we can do something about this. We have an open meeting with the trans team this Tuesday (4th of December) at the COC Leiden at 8pm. Everyone of good will is welcome. For more information you can contact me at genderfreezone@cocleiden.nl. Thank you very much.

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I just got uninvited for Christmas.

My mother's husband came to pick up the paintings the had made at my course because she didn't want to come anymore and told me he didn't think it was a good idea if I would come over for Christmas anymore either. I have to admit I told her I needed a bit more space and didn't think it would be wise to have her in my course anymore because we have been tiptoeing around each other way too much lately in order to avoid direct conflict but as a result we both feel irritated and exhausted. I felt like it was an endless and pointless battle. So last week I went over there to talk to her. I told her I love her very much and do want a good relationship with her and have been trying really hard to make that happen for as long as I can remember but we simply don't connect. We're a mismatch. There is nothing we can do about it. I also told her that I do love her very much and I do want her in my life but just every now and then for a cup of tea or something. Not too intense, not too complicated. No expectations, just the little things. She said she'd like that and if there was anything I ever needed I just needed to ask. And now she send her husband, who I have never liked, even before they got together, to pick up her stuff and tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I am done. There is just no pleasing her. It makes me very very sad to be set aside like this. I had been thinking about this for months and months, almost half a year, to find a way to still see each other without making each other miserable. I tried so hard and I just get pushed to the side. Yes I know it's not easy for her having a child she doesn't understand and I know she has been trying as well, in her own way. I understand and respect that. But this feels like she is giving up on me. It's as if I no longer exist to her. I guess there is nothing left I can do. I just have to face the fact that I no longer have a mother and just make the best of things.
Anyone want to have me over for Christmas? I never liked Christmas because me family would always be fighting. But spending it all alone because my mother won't have me over? That's different. Looks like this is going to be a harsh winter.
--
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Who's being stupid and selfish here?

Someone I know posted this on facebook a few days ago.

Gisteren meteen vanuit mijn werk met de trein naar Den Haag geweest voor een belangrijk document te halen en daarna rechtstreeks door naar Pijnacker (zoetermeer) voor een heerlijk dagje sauna..........Nu denk iedereen "heerlijk toch"......klopt in zovere maar nu komt het de terug reis met de trein :-( arme NS gisteren was blijkbaar een Doomsday in Nederland, we hadden meerdere vertragingen en miste daardoor meerdere overstap treinen omdat er 4 mensen willekeurig van elkaar en op verschillende plaatsen voor de trein zijn gesprongen en waarvan 3 vrijwel in de route die wij dus terug moesten nemen :-(.............wat bezielt zulke mensen toch om voor de trein te springen en daardoor die arme machinist en die gene die het moeten opruimen zo een trauma te bezorgen ...........soms doen mensen dingen die ongelooflijk stom en egoïstische zijn.............maargoed en daardoor gisteren pas om 0 uur thuis en vannacht slecht geslapen ....zucht verslapen en een collega laten wachten voor naar CW :-( ........nu maar weer het dagelijkse dingen oppakken en strijken en koken .............FB vrienden fijne dag nog

Rough English translation by google translate:
Yesterday directly from work I took the train to Den Haag to pick up an important document and then directly to Pijnacker (Zoetermeer) for a lovely day sauna .......... Now everyone thinks  "sounds lovely."  ..... ttrue so far, but now comes the return journey by train :-( poor NS yesterday was apparently a Doomsday in the Netherlands, we had several delays and missed several train switches because there were 4 people at random from each other and different places who jumped in front of a train, including 3 practically on our route back home :-( ............. what inspires such people anyway, to jump in front of a train and therefore traumatizing that poor driver and the ones who have to clean up ........... sometimes people do things that are incredibly stupid and selfish ............. but anyway and therefore we only got home at 0 hours home yesterday and slept badly last night .... sigh overslept and wait for a colleague to CW :-( ........ now to pick up the everyday things  and ironing and cooking ... FB friends ..........have a nice day

I hardly know where to begin. I told him it was disrespectful and he changed his post to something that he thought was less bad but to me seemed equally narrow minded. I did not respond to that one. I didn't see the point. It made me really angry and sad at the same time. Someone else responded to his post as well, agreeing it was selfish and stupid etc. I don't understand how people can react like that. Someone felt so horrible that they felt the need to do something as desperate as that and they bitch about their trains running late? I've heard loads of people make these complaints. Someone decided the Dutch railway needed to clarify delays and now when someone jumps it's all over the boards: delay due to collision with a person. Sure, now we can't blame the NS (Dutch railway) for the delay but come one. Do they really have to spread out the sorrow like that, make everyone part it? I wonder if they have any idea how many people feel sick the rest of the day because of hearing something like that. When you think about it, it's not easy to hear at all. Someone was in pain, so much pain they decided to end their lives, and they wanted to be 100% sure they would succeed. Someone lost a son or a daughter. Someone lost a sibling, a loved one, a classmate, a college, a neighbor. And people sit in the train, sighing, I'm going to be home late and I'm hungry damnit! Why can't they just go and kill themselves at home? You wouldn't believe the things I've heard people say. I hardly believe it. Sometimes it takes quite a lot not to just punch them in the face.


There are two main reasons why this bothers me a lot. One is the fact that people don't seem to connect to each other anymore, which is probably also one of the reasons for some of the suicides. People think only about themselves. They don't think about helping each other. They don't see each other people's pain, or even when they do see it they don't feel inclined to do something about it. As long as it doesn't interfere with their daily lives they simply don't care. Stephen Jones said it on his album Almost Cured of Sadness in one of the interludes:
sadness does not have a home, you come home from a hard days work, the last thing you want to be confronted with is sadness, you want happiness at all cost, i don't care what you have to say, you tell me you just lost someone, people really don't give a shit, they want to hear a new song or something on TV, asshole, thats what it is, sadness does not have a home.

And it's true. We just want to watch what ever is hip and happening now. Bite sized entertainment. No personal connection. We watch the Barbie dolls parade around on TV and pretend we can all be like that if we just put on a plastic smile. We are losing our humanity. If you don't want people jumping in front of your train so you're late for the next America's Next Topmodel, maybe you should pay a bit more attention to the people around you and their needs. Maybe we should be a bit more courteous every now and then. Maybe we should say "sorry, are you okay?" next time we bump into someone instead of just thinking about ourselves and bitching at them. Maybe, if we had a minute of silence for the person who passed away on the trains instead of just the announcement that yes, we're all gonna be late for dinner, maybe there would be less people hurting. It might not seem like much, but if you pile up all the little things they become big things. The little things can sometimes make or ruin your day. Imagine what that could do on a larger scale.


The other thing is that I have been there. I never had the courage to jump in front of a train, else I wouldn't be here. And yes, it takes serious balls to do something like that. Imagine what kind of hell someone must be in to do something like that. But I have attempted suicide when I was younger, several times actually, up until my late 20's. I know to some extend how those people feel.  I have many friends who have been at that point and some whom I fear for still. I had a narrow escape and got lucky. I worked very hard to get out of that and there were times I didn't think I would make it. I still have bad days every now and then and wonder what the point to it all really is. But I keep fighting and things have gotten better. I will always keep on fighting. I can't do it alone though. I need a little help from my friends, colleges, teachers etc. And from people who bump into my in the streets and say sorry and ask if I'm okay instead of giving me an angry look telling me I'm in the way and shouldn't be there. So yes, that's you. When was the last time you held a door open for someone? When did you last pick something up for someone else when they dropped it right in front of you? When did you last say thank you and have a good day to someone working in a store? Have you ever said hello to the cleaning lady at all? These are small things that we all can do. They may seem meaningless but when you are in a bad place, it's little things like this that can help you hold on a little longer and decide that yes, life is worth fighting for. And for those who are not depressed, it would still make your day a whole lot sunnier, now wouldn't it?



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Fat loss vs muscle gain vs...

A lot of people want to know if it's possible to lose fat and gain muscle at the same time. The answer is yes, but also, it depends. If someone has much more fat that they should and are a non mover (as in sit on their butt all day as most of us do, let's be honest), then it is fairly easy to lose fat and gain muscle when you first start going to the gym and changing what you eat. I've seen it in plenty of people. They sign up at a gym, start moving and within 2 months they will have lost fat mass and gained muscle. But the closer you get to your ideal body composition the harder it gets to make changes. When you have too much fat your body will be glad to get rid of it. When you are weak your body will be glad to get stronger. But if you are already lean and fit, your body likes being there, so it is less likely to change much and you really need to push it to get results.


That's all fine and dandy but a lot of the people who want to know about fat loss versus muscle gain are already within healthy range. These are mostly men who want to look like some sort of Superman. Or at least like they could be on the cover of Health Magazine. Well, then there are two ways of doing it. Either you can bulk and shred, a well proven method in bodybuilding that has been tested for years and does work. It's not easy, demands a lot of discipline and facing the bulk period can be very hard for some people because it may look like you're just getting fat instead of getting strong. Then the cutting period where you focus on losing fat mass can be pretty intense as well. And then you have to manage to maintain. I don't even want to think about that.

The other way, which hardly anyone does, is taking it easy and building up really slow. The problem is that it takes years to get where you can get within months with the bulk/shred method. And if you have the HM image in your head as a goal, you don't want to get there in 5 years, you want to get there in 5 months, or 5 weeks. Hell, 5 days if you can. Yesterday would be even better. The question is why.


Why do we want to look like that? Why do we want a six-pack and arms bigger then our heads? Is it to prove we are real men? Being a man is how you feel, not what you look like. If you think you need to have a six-pack to be a real man you need to get your head checked. Is it the obesity pandemic? Do we feel the need to prove we are healthy by being supper shredded so our spouses don't need to worry we will get fat? Is it to pick up girls for a one night stand, for instant gratification? Or because it's the only way we can compete with others and our self esteem depends on pushing a few pounds more then the guy next to us in the gym? Is it because it makes us feel like we are in control? Or simply because the media tells us this is what a man should look like? Or could it be because we have lost contact with our bodies, just as much as the obese people have and we no longer know what our most natural, healthiest and therefor happiest state really is?


I always feel like the outside should reflect the inside, not the other way around. So instead of trying to push your body into an idea someone else dreamed up, maybe you should take a good look at who you really are and what suits you best. If you take good care of your body it will live up to its potential. Stay true to your own body type which should give an indication of what your body will be good at and will enjoy. Don't deny yourself a bit of fun. Besides, recent studies have shown that most women don't like guys who are too muscular. It's like those huge plastic surgery boobs. Bigger sounds better but when it comes down to it, we really don't know what to do with them, do we? Same goes for too much muscle. If it's not functional, and it gets pretty boring after a while.

 

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How do you know?

 

 

With all the knowledge I have been spreading lately people tend to ask me: how do you know? It's actually quite simple. I read it somewhere. And then I read it somewhere else as well. And saw it on a documentary. And another one. And heard it from some people and talked to them about their experience with it. And then I took all that information and used my common sense (which doesn't seem to be too common these days) to see what would be most likely to be true and what would most likely be commercial nonsense. And then I applied it to my own daily life to see what would happen. And then, then I would tell people: hey look, this is a good idea, or a bad one. That's how I know all these things.

Of course, I don't know everything. I research the things I'm curious about first. Things that apply to my own life more directly. Like the gluten thing. I'm so glad I cut out grains all together because my body responds so positively to it, I can not imagine going back to eating grains. There are other topics I am curious about, like yoga and meditation, or the effect of light in a workspace, about the most effective core training, the fabric of space and time and the perfect brownie recipe. But I can't read up on everything at the same time. So I'm doing things bit by bit. I think it was Buddha who said: live every day as if it's your last, learn every day as if you'll live for ever. So that's what I try to do. I keep learning, gathering information and sharing it with the people around me so they can benefit from that knowledge as well without having to put in all that time. I love learning. I'm a real nerd when it comes to that. Learning is one of the best things there are in life. And it's not that hard. All you have to do is listen to your body, or click a link, or pick up the paper and not just read it and stop there, but think about it. Think about if it's really true what they say and why. And there you have your wonder. And from wonder comes inquisition and then comes knowledge and we all know where that leads. It empowers us to become stronger, happier people. So next time your body does something you don't like, don't just take an aspirin. Ask yourself why it's doing that and if you can change it. Because if your body is functioning as best as it can, life becomes easier in so many ways. It's the little things that add up in the end.


If there are any topics you are curious about and you think I might know something about them, don't hesitate to ask. If I do know something about it or am curious about it myself anyway I'll see if I can do a bit more research on it and write a blog about it.




https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker

Relax will ya?

I came across this text on facebook a while ago and reposted it on my wall. I knew at that time it was something I should write a bit about because it is so bloody true. It's not easy to relax. Most people don't have a clue how to do it. Relaxing is the opposite of tension, not just the absence. It goes way beyond just the absence of tension. You have to move past that point. But most people don't even know how to let go of tension in the first place. They are wired 24/7 and don't even realize it.

Stress is common these days. Actually, it's normal. If you're not stressed you're doing something weird, or even wrong. How can you not be stressed when there are bills to be paid, jobs to uphold, expectations to be met. And these days everyone knows everything everyone does because we have become our own Big Brothers thanks to facebook and other social media. Yes, I have yielded to that one just like the rest of you, but I make sure it doesn't run my life. It's hard though, being in charge of your own life. We let the crowd lead us into temptation and pretend it's all okay because we don't know what else to do. But are we happy? Not as happy as we could be. We worry too much. We don't take time to relax. Even if we would be able to find the time (read make time) we still wouldn't know how.


Here's a question. Why should we? Everything is fine the way it is, right? We all know that's not true. We all know deep down that something, at some point, has got to give. We can't keep this up. When a rubber band is constantly stretched at some point it can't bounce back anymore. We are getting close to that point and when we do, the band will snap and lord knows what will happen to us. And it's not just about preventing damage. It's like with medication and nutrition. Medication is sick care, it takes care of the sickness and that's it. Proper nutrition makes a person healthy and is therefor health care. Relaxation does the same thing. It's goal is not just to take away the stress,  but also to create a different state of being where you are more balanced, resilient and feel more content. If you'd ask me I'd say happiness is being content so what more could you ask for?


So, how the hell do you relax? That's a good question, and a difficult one. To be honest it differs for a lot of people. Some people love the pling plong ocean breeze music you can get one meditation CD's. Others hate that stuff. You'll have to try a bunch of different things and see what happens, see what fits you best. I know people who love relaxing in the shower. They just stand there with their eyers closed and let the water run over their bodies and let all the tension wash off of them. I must say I find that quite comfortable as well but I shower at the gym most days so that's a bit unpractical then. You can also lie down like I have people do at the end of a BodyBalance class. A lot of yoga classes end that way. It's an official yoga pose, lying flat on your back, arms and legs slightly away from your body, letting everything become soft and relaxed, emptying your mind. But not all of us have that option. But if you can discipline yourself you can even train to relax while you are commuting to or from work on public transport. Sit, close your eyes and feel your body, feel your breath, and be aware. That's all there is to it really. Just be aware. Be in the moment and be yourself. Be you. I know, I make it sound so simple. I know it's not. It takes a lot of practice. I have been meditating, or relaxing, or being aware, in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, every morning for 10 minutes for over a week again after not having done that in ages. It's not easy at all. I used to be pretty good at it so I know I can do it again. But it takes time. I'm starting to get the hang of it again but I have spend a lot of time in the past focusing on this so I do remember a few tricks that I can apply that seem to work for me personally.
Like I said, it's different for everyone. Try a few things and let me know what works for you. I can always use a bit of inspiration and you might help others get some new ideas as well.

I'll be posting little bits of inspiration on my facebook page so keep an eye out if you'd like to get inspired.

A personal note.

Just like everyone else I am as human as you can get. This means I am not a fluffy ball of positive energy bouncing around making other people smile all the time. I wish I was but alas, nu such thing. I have been trying to call the gender team in Amsterdam all week. You can only call them between 9 and 12 and every time I call the line is busy or they have switched on the answering machine already. I want to know where I am with the waiting list. It's frustrating to be out and everything and have nothing happening. I'm afraid other people might think it was just some brain fart and I got over it and am now pretending I didn't say anything. I still very much want to start hormone treatment and get chest surgery. Just thinking about how long I probably still have to wait is driving me nuts. I find it hard to expect people to take this seriously while nothing is really changing. On the other hand, I am still convinced this shouldn't be a big deal as I will still be the same person as far as we don't continuously change anyway. All very confusing and frustrating. I'm not sure what I want to happen. I want the whole process of transitioning to be over so I can just be who I am and be done with it. This lingering is not doing me any good. Lately I have been feeling drained. It's like I have been put on hold and can't move on with things. I wish it was something in my head and I could do something to get things moving again but unfortunately it's true.


Autumn is not helping. It's getting darker again and this weekend the clock is moving an hour back so it will be dark longer in the morning. I don't mind the dark in the evening. The mornings is what I find hardest. If I have to get up and there is no sun I feel tired the rest of the day. I should take a look at a daylight lamp. I've heard it can really help. Other then that I have started a new morning ritual. I kept coming across this whole drinking lemon water in the morning and the theory sounds good. So I'm trying that. It sure does kick start your bowels so you get a clean start in the morning. I've been doing it for a week now and so far to be honest I just feel more tired. I'm guessing it's the spring cleaning effect. First things just seem to get worse as all the bad stuff that has been hiding under the bed and in drawers is all coming out and need to be taken care of. So I am giving it a bit longer, at least a month, to see what happens. I'm calling it my sour-Zen project as I am combining it with meditating in the morning. I hadn't done that in ages so I need to practice again. It's not like riding a bicycle it seems. Right now I'm just taking 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like long but when you have a million things rushing around in your head all asking for your attention it feels like for ever. I'm getting better at shutting up and just being though. Eventually I should have some proper balance in my head again. I'll post an update on facebook every now and then to let you all know how I'm doing on this.

If you have any more tips for me on how to survive the dark ages and the endless waiting list I'd much appreciate it.

Why drinking 'fat coke' really is like drinking fat.

Lately I have been posting a lot of links on sugar on my facebook page. In my previous blog I also mentioned sugared beverages are bad and promised to explain why. If you want the complete picture you can watch the The Skinny on Obesity clips on YouTube but if you want to go straight to the bitter truth you should watch Ep. 2: Sickeningly Sweet. That clip describes very well how what we call sugar is treated by the body.
We all know now that sugars are carbs, but most people don't know what a carb is. Some will get to a carbohydrate which is the complete word. That still doesn't mean anything to anyone. People might now it's energy. Very good. But not all carbs are just energy. Some are toxic. Like alcohol, hence the word intoxicated. Alcohol is metabolized (changed into something else or used as energy) by the brain and the liver. The liver is the place in the body that handles all toxins. There is another carb that the liver deals with: fructose. That's sugar, right? Sugar from fruit. How is that bad? Wasn't fruit supposed to be good for you? Yes, it is. Fruit contains a lot of vitamins and minerals and fiber along with glucose and fructose. Glucose is the good kind of sugar, the kind that your entire body can use for energy. That's the kind of sugar/carb you want. The fiber helps keep the fructose in your bowels where it can be eaten by the bacteria living in there. They are the good guys that help you get rid of the toxins. So only a small amount of the fructose is absorbed and your body can handle that just fine. That tiny bit is moved to your liver where it is broken down and part of it is burned and that tiny last bit that's left will be turned into fat. If you live a healthy life and don't sit around all day you will burn that bit of fat later on, no problem. But that's fruit. What about juice? Isn't that just fruit as well? Sure, but without the fiber. And without the fiber your body will absorb the whole lot of fructose. That's just the beginning.

Let's take a look at coke. 240 calories per serving according to the Coca Cola website, of which 65 grams of sugar. That's everything. There is nothing else in there. So how is this fat coke? Those 65 grams of sugar are half glucose, which is fine, and half fructose, which is bad if you absorb it because, like I said, some of it will get turned into fat. Unless there is fiber of course. Now lets take a look at what they say about that. "Not a significant source of fat calories, saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, fiber, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium and iron." No fiber. None what so ever. So all the calories from fat coke go straight to your liver and get turned mostly into fat. And that is how fat coke really is like drinking fat.
But honestly, the same goes for any drink that has sugar (as the companies call it without discriminating between different types like glucose and fructose) that doesn't contain any fiber. The only drinks that are really good are water, tea and smoothies (if properly made with fresh fruit, preferably unpeeled). Coffee is a different issue and an ongoing debate I first need to reed up on more before I say anything about that so for now let's just ignore that one, just leave out the sugar from now on.

It gets even worse when it comes to soda. Look at the amount of salt: Sodium 75mg. You need to double that for the total amount of salt. 150 mg of salt in one serving. Salt makes you thirsty and you drink more. So you get another coke, and absorb more fructose and salt. Check out Ep. 3 on how fructose makes you hungry and you will see how sugared beverages are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sugar problem. It's the core of what we in Dutch call welvaatsziektes, freely translated to prosperity illnesses which I think covers the load quite well. If you want to lose weight and become healthy and fit, cut out the fructose (except when taken with fiber like in fresh fruits). That's the best thing you could ever do for your body.


The full lecture: Sugar: the bitter truth.  There is a lot more information about this out there but I have found this the most accessable for most people. If you want you can do a bit more research yourself or keep an eye on my facebook page as I will post a link to the articles I come across.

On exercise and losing weight.

A lot of people ask me how they can lose weight. Mostly they ask me what kind of exercise they can do to get rid of fat. They ask if sup ups or crunches are better for losing stomach fat. Well, sit ups are a no go these days in general because they are not very effective and they can be bad for your back and neck. Most important, they don't burn stomach fat. But neither do crunches, or planks, or cardio even! Okay, it does at some point but only if your body feels like it. You can not force your body to burn fat where you want it. You can only make it burn fat in general. Your body will decide which fat it can spare. So targeting area's where you want the fat to be gone is nothing but frustrating unless you get lucky and most of us don't. A friend of mine is burning her boobs and she's not happy about it but mine have been staying the same and I want to get rid of them. Life is unfair when it comes to stuff like that. So all you can do is be patient and wait for your body to be ready to start at the fat you want to burn. This means you need to burn the other fat your body wants to get rid of first. The order in which you burn fat doesn't change. I go from bottom to top: legs and ass first, now my stomach and eventually my boobs I hope. A lot of people do it the other way around too. Some have a different order all together. The only way to find out what your fat burning order is, is by burning it.

So what is a good way to start burning fat? Crunches, and planks, and cardio. But didn't I say that doesn't work? I said at some point. It takes time. Fat doesn't burn anything. It just sits there. Muscle does burn energy, even when you are asleep. Especially when you are asleep to be more precise because that is when it restores itself and that takes up energy. And of course when you are moving. When you have very little muscle you will only be able to use little muscle doing your daily things. When you have more muscle you will automatically use more muscle in every day use, like walking up the stairs. You use your entire legs and butt for that. Not just part of them. So more muscle is more energy use. And that is a very effective way to get rid o the extra calories.


What about cardio? There is a button on every crosstrainer/stationary bike/stair master/etc that says: fatburning, or something of the sorts. If you press that button and follow the program, you should be burning fat, right? Cause it said so. Sure. You will burn more calories from fat then from sugar during exercise. True. Now lets take a look at how this works. A Big Mac contains 570 Calories. If you weigh 170lbs, or 77Kg, you have to do 75 minutes of cardio to burn that. And that doesn't get rid of the fries. You would have to do twice that much exercise if you get a large fries with that which is also 570 Calories. So, you do your 2 and a half hours of cardio to burn your meal and then what? You feel hungry and you go and eat again. In the mean time your easy tread will only have boosted your internal energy burning system, your metabolism, a tiny bit. You get a bit of an afterburn, where you are burning more calories after working out then before, but not much. This disappears pretty quickly. So a few hours later the effect will be gone and the pizza you are having for dinner does straight to your stomach fat again. Not what you want.


So then what? Lately there have been studies on this quite a bit. One of the studies you should really take a look at if you have the time is The truth about exercise. It's a BBC documentary. They show that you can achieve a much greater boost for your metabolism by doing high intensity interval training, also known as HIIT these days. 30 seconds of explosive training followed by recovery and then repeated a few times. In total you might be spending 5 minutes or so on your training bike and that's about it. That's all you need to boost your internal burner to keep that flame high. You will start feeling fitter, more energetic and healthier in general.


Does that mean you can just go ahead and eat what ever you want? Hell no. Food is the most important factor in weight control. Period. That's just fact. So you need to take a look at that as well. One of the first things you should get rid of is sugared beverages. I'll explain why soon.


Want to stay up to date quicker and get some extra tips? Check out my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker. I also have some links on there explaining a few things about the sugared drinks so if you're curious, go check it out.

The Trans*-initiative needs your help!

Last night I was at the biannual meeting for the coordinators at the COC Leiden. The COC is a national organization that stands up for GLBT rights, provides a meeting place and organizes events and so on. It has done a lot of great work already and since about a month I am proud to be representing the local trans community by becoming the coordinator for the Trans*-initiative. The Trans*-initiative was started in 2010 and mostly consist of a GenderFreeZone evening which is a workshop on a trans related topic and then a party which is open to everyone to stimulate the integration between trans and non-trans people. Last Friday I supplied the workshop on how to change your body by using exercise and nutrition so it can represent more who you are inside and to become more healthy and mentally stable (those 2 are linked in a way most people don't realize). The workshop went really well and, despite the rain, was well visited. Also the party was a great success. It was wonderful to see so many non-trans people showing up as well to show their support.
Even though I prefer to be optimistic, I also need to be realistic. Having between 10 and 20 people visiting the workshop is not as many as should be possible. When you consider the size of this city and the fact that this is the only meeting place for trans people in the region it's not a lot. There are so many others out there that we're not reaching. I know my personal network is limited but I am hoping others will help me use their networks as well so I can reach more people to invite them to these workshops. They are valuable, even if it's just to meet others and see you're not alone. So many of us do feel lonely even though we don't have to. I would greatly appreciate it if you would go to our page: https://www.facebook.com/cocleiden?fref=ts and like us and share the events on there. We are trying really hard to provide information and help, a sanctuary if you will even, but we can only do that if we can reach people. Your help would mean a lot.
The other thing I discussed during the meeting last night was educating people on transgenderism. Firstly the people who we send out to schools to talk about diversity, discrimination and GLBT issues. I have been getting the same questions from my GLB friends as my straight friends. This shows people are people which is good, but, it also shows that, even if you are part of the GLBT community, information is not that easy to come by. We are working on gathering information and setting up workshops for the volunteers of the educational program first as they go out into the world spreading the information even further. Once that is done we want to set up a workshop for other people who are interested but don't know where to look for information. So my question to you is: what would you like to know? What do you think we should put in the workshop? And if you are a transgender, what do you think is important to tell people? We have some ideas but it's just a small team and the more people think about this the better. So I could really use your input. Please leave me a comment below and I will make a summery at some point. Of course, when the time comes and the workshop is ready I'll let you know when, what and where.
Many thanks!

Basisschema thuis training voor transmannen

Naar aanleiding van de sport workshop bij het Trans*-initiatief COC Leiden afgelopen vrijdag.

Hardlopen: maandag, woensdag, vrijdag.

Krachttraining: dinsdag, donderdag, zaterdag.

Zondag is een rust dag.

Als beloning voor goede training en rest van de week gezond eten op zaterdag avond iets lekkers.

Benodigdheden: een springtouw, 2 stoelen en een bezemsteel of stang.

Je traint 7 weken normaal. Dan neem je 1 week rust waarbij je krachttraining inruilt voor rust momenten: yoga/relaxatie CD/etc. Je blijft wel hardlopen maar blijft op het zelfde niveau lopen als op de vrijdag er voor.

Tijdens de normale trainingsweken begin je iedere training met 5 minuten springtouw om je lichaam goed warm te krijgen. In het begin kan dit lastig zijn en kan je niet ahcter elkaar blijven touwspringen. Blijf gewoon proberen. Het zal steeds makkelijker gaan. Lukt het niet qua uithoudingsvermogen, neem dan tussendoor een paar seconden rust en pak hem weer op zodra je kan. Probeer je rust steeds korter te maken zodat je van de 5 minuten steeds meer tijd echt aan het springen bent.

Hardlopen: op het internet zijn er een heleboel hardloop schema's te vinden. Je kan ook mp3 bestanden downloaden voor op je iPod zodat je zelf de tijd niet hoeft bij te houden.  Let op! Dergelijke schema's zijn richtlijnen. Als het schema zegt dat je een stap vooruit moet maar je bent daar niet aan toe, neem dan iets meer tijd tot je er wel aan toe bent. Als je sneller kan dan het schema is dat ook prima. Pas het aan op jouw behoeftes.

Kan je niet hardlopen omdat je last hebt van je enkels of knieën, ga dan fietsen. Als het erg slecht weer is kan je ook binnen langer touwspringen.

Krachttraining:

Begin met 5 minuten springtouw als warming up.

Rug en biceps: pull ups. Neem een bezemsteel (of iets dergelijks) en leg hem over 2 stoelen. Ga onder de steel liggen met de steel boven je hart. Pak de steel breed beet (ongeveer net zo breed als je handen staan bij een push up) en trek je bovenlichaam omhoog. Je billen blijven nog op de grond. Span je buik en onderrug ook goed aan terwijl je dit doet. Zwaardere optie is ook de billen van de grond. Wil je nog zwaarder, zoek dan een riggeltje waar je je aan vast kan houden om je hele lichaam aan op te trekken.

Doe 6 herhalingen, rust een minuut en doe nog 2 sets. Als dit makkelijk gaat ga je naar 8 herhalingen, dan naar 10 herhalingen en dan naar 4 sets met weer 6 herhalingen. Als je op 4 sets van 10 zit ga je naar de zwaardere optie.

 

Borst en triceps: push ups. Kom op je knieën. Zet je handen breed genoeg zodat je ellebogen in een hoek van 90 graden komen als je je bovenlichaam tussen je ellebogen hebt. Je hoeft niet lager te zakken dan dat. Als je omhoog komt strek je je ellebogen net niet helemaal uit. Zwaardere optie is op de tenen. Nog zwaarder is 1 voet op de ander. Ook hier span je weer je core goed aan: navel in, rug sterk.

Doe 6 herhalingen, rust een minuut en doe nog 2 sets. De laatste set zet je je handen onder je schouders en duw je je ellebogen naar binnen voor extra training voor je triceps. Als dit makkelijk gaat ga je naar 8 herhalingen, dan naar 10 herhalingen en dan naar 4 sets met weer 6 herhalingen. Als je op 4 sets van 10 zit ga je naar de zwaardere optie.

Schuine buik: ga op je rug liggen en zet je voeten plat op de grond. Till je schouderbladen van de grond af en draai 1 schouder in de richting van je tegenovergestelde heup. Herhaal 10 maal en wissel van kant. Zwaardere optie is tegenovergestelde knie naar de elleboog brengen. Je mag de elleboog helemaal voorbij de buitenkant van de knie brengen. Nog zwaarder is het andere been uitstrekken. Nog zwaarder is met een gewichtje op de schouder die omhoog gaat.

Doe 10 herhalingen per kant, iedere kant 3 maal met 1 minuut rust. Gaat dit makkelijk, houd dit niveau dan nog 1 week zo vol en ga dan naar de zwaardere optie.

Rechte buik: ga op je rug liggen en til de schouderbladen van de grond. Je hoeft niet helemaal ophoog te komen in een sit up. Tot het zwaarste punt en dan weer terug. Je zal merken dat dit punt in de loop van de tijd iets hoger zal gaan liggen. Zwaardere optie is 1 been uitstrekken als je omhoog komt. Nog zwaarder is beide benen uistrekken als je omlaag komt. Nog zwaarder is de heupen iets van de grond tillen als je omhoog komt.

Doe 10 herhalingen en herhaal 3 maal met 1 minuut rust tussendoor. Gaat dit makkelijk, houd dit niveau dan nog 1 week zo vol en ga dan naar de zwaardere optie.

Core: plank. Kom liggen op je buik. Zet je ellebogen onder je schouders en til je heupen van de vloer zodat je lichaam helemaal recht wordt. Let hierbij voornamelijk op de lijn van de voorkant van je lichaam. Trek je navel goed in, span je billen en je onderrug aan en duw jezelf omhoog vanuit je schouders en armen. Blijf zo helemaal strak staan. Begin met 15 seconden, 3 maal met een halve minuut rust tussendoor. Als dit lukt verleng dan telkend met 5 seconden tot je aan een minuut zit. Ga dan naar de zwaardere optie en til je knieën ook van de vloer zodat je alleen op je ellebogen en tenen steunt.

Schud even je hele lichaam los, maak je even helemaal lang en rol een paar keer met je schouders. Je kan eventueel nog wat stretches opzoeken op het internet.

Op de eerste van de maand doe je een meeting met een meetlint: bovenbeen, heupen en buik. Schrijf dit ergens op zodat je de verschillen kan zien. In het begin kan dit vrij weinig zijn maar houd vol. Houd ook bij hoeveel herhalingen je van iedere oefening doet. Dan kan je zien hoe snel je vooruitgang boekt.

Basis schema thuistraining voor transvrouwen

Naar aanleiding van de workshop bij het Trans*-initiatief COC Leiden.

Hardlopen/fietsen: maandag, woensdag, vrijdag.

Krachttraining: dinsdag, donderdag, zaterdag.

Zondag is een rust dag.

Als beloning voor goede training en rest van de week gezond eten op zaterdag avond iets lekkers.

Benodigdheden: een springtouw, een weerstandsband/koord.

Je traint 7 weken normaal. Dan neem je 1 week rust waarbij je krachttraining inruilt voor rust momenten: yoga/relaxatie CD/etc. Je blijft wel hardlopen maar blijft op het zelfde niveau lopen als op de vrijdag er voor.

Tijdens de normale trainingsweken begin je iedere training met 5 minuten springtouw om je lichaam goed warm te krijgen. In het begin kan dit lastig zijn en kan je niet ahcter elkaar blijven touwspringen. Blijf gewoon proberen. Het zal steeds makkelijker gaan. Lukt het niet qua uithoudingsvermogen, neem dan tussendoor een paar seconden rust en pak hem weer op zodra je kan. Probeer je rust steeds korter te maken zodat je van de 5 minuten steeds meer tijd echt aan het springen bent.

Hardlopen: op het internet zijn er een heleboel hardloop schema's te vinden. Je kan ook mp3 bestanden downloaden voor op je iPod zodat je zelf de tijd niet hoeft bij te houden.  Let op! Dergelijke schema's zijn richtlijnen. Als het schema zegt dat je een stap vooruit moet maar je bent daar niet aan toe, neem dan iets meer tijd tot je er wel aan toe bent. Als je sneller kan dan het schema is dat ook prima. Pas het aan op jouw behoeftes.

Fietsen: stippel een handige route voor jezelf uit. Je kan kijken of het lukt om op stukken die langer recht zijn (en niet te druk) een stukje te sprinten. Door die snellere stukken gaat je hartslag even flink omhoog en krijg je een goede cardio workout.

Als het erg slecht weer is kan je ook binnen langer touwspringen.

Rug:
Ga op de grond liggen met je voorhoofd op de rug van je handen. Til je bovenlichaam van de grond, zo hoog als je kan en kom weer terug richting te vloer maar leg je lcihaam niet weer helemaal
neer. Herhaal 15 tot 20 maal, leg het bovenlichaam neer en til de benen op, herhaal 15 tot 20 maal. Herhaal de hele set nog 2 tot 3 maal.

Borst:
Hiervoor heb je een weerstandsband of koord nodig. Je kan ze bestellen via het internet vanaf ongeveer 10 euro via oa http://www.fitness-seller.nl/fitnessartikelen/weerstandsbanden/ Deze komen in verschillende weerstanden en je kan er nog een heleboel andere oefeningen mee doen.

Neem de uiteindes in beide handen en sla de band achterlangs om je lichaam. De band zit iets onder schouderhoogte. Spreid de armen en breng ze naar voren toe tot ze recht naar voren steken. Breng weer terug naar achter. Afhankelijk van het effect dat je wilt bereiken verhoog of verlaag je het aantal herhalingen en kies je een sterktere of minder sterke band. Als je iets meer of minder spanning wilt kan je de band ook iets strakker of losser vastpakken.

Schouders:
Transvrouwen: neem een klein gewicht (1 à  2 Kg) in de handen. Je kan hiervoor een waterflesje, een pak rijst, etc voor gebruiken. Strek de armen zijwaards op schouderhoogte en draai kleine cirkeltjes, 10 voorwaarts en 10 achterwaarts. Herhaal 2 tot 3 maal.

Buik:
Rechte buikspieren en diepere core: de plank. Kom op je buik  liggen op de grond. Zet je ellebogen recht onder je schouders en til je heupen van de vloer. Zorg dat je billen niet uitsteken naar boven maar probeer een rechte lijn te maken met je hele lichaam. Houd dit 30-60 seconden vol. rust een minuut en herhaal 2 tot 3 maal. Als dit makkelijk gaat kan je je knieën van de grond halen en alleen op ellebogen en tenen steunen. Trek de navel goed in en voorkom dat je gaat hangen. Als je last krijgt van je onderrug betekent dit vaak dat je je navel nog verder in moet trekken.

Schuine buikspieren: ga op de rug liggen met de voeten plat op de vloer. Til het bovenlichaam van de grond zodat de schouderbladen helemaal loskomen en draai in zodat de elleboog richting de tegenovergestelde knie gaat. Kom terug naar het midden en draai naar de andere kant. Herhaal aan  iedere kant 10 keer en rust. Herhaal de hele set nog 2 -3 maal.

Benen:

Lunges: Je gaat staan en stapt dan een been uit naar voren. Je zinkt naar beneden tot je achterste knie bijna  de grond raakt. Je voorste knie blijft boven je enkel. De achterste hiel komt helemaal los van de grond. Stap terug en herhaal aan de andere kant. Maak 10 herhalingen per kant en herhaal dan nog 2-3 maal. Gaat dit goed, doe dan 15, 20, 25 herhalingen per kant. Je kan ook gewichtjes in je handen nemen om te verzwaren.

Squats: zet je voeten ongeveer onder je schouders en maak een diepe kniebuiging. Zink echt in je benen en ga niet te veel met je bovenlichaan naar voren. Je duwt je billen naar achter en dan naar beneden. Je knieën blijven achter je tenen. Doe 15 herhalingen en rust even. Herhaal nog 2-3 maal. Gaat dit makkelijk, doe dan 20, 25 herhalingen. Je kan ook gewichtjes in je handen nemen om te verzwaren.

Schud even je hele lichaam los, maak je even helemaal lang en rol een paar keer met je schouders. Je kan eventueel nog wat stretches opzoeken op het internet.

Op de eerste van de maand doe je een meeting met een meetlint: bovenbeen, heupen en buik. Schrijf dit ergens op zodat je de verschillen kan zien. In het begin kan dit vrij weinig zijn maar houd vol. Houd ook bij hoeveel herhalingen je van iedere oefening doet. Dan kan je zien hoe snel je vooruitgang boekt.

Negative forces.

We all have them. People in our lives who just suck the energy right out of you. Somehow it seems unavoidable. Every now and then they just pop up again. The tricky thing is that at first you don't really notice. Or you think it can't be that bad and you'll deal with it. So that's what you do, you try to deal with it and ignore the signals. Slowly things get worse, day after day, week after week. It's a slow process and you hardly notice it happening. And one day you wake up and realize you are stressed out of your hatter and can't pin point why. It takes a while to figure out what this negative force in your life is. Because it happened so slowly you hardly notice. But if you take a good look around and ask yourself the right questions, you'll track them down. You will be able to recognize the person who is sucking the life right out of you. And then, you need to deal with it.


This is often a lot more difficult to do then most people think. If something hurts, then you should just stop doing it. But what if that person is your partner? Or your mother? Or your boss? Do you simply tell them to shove it and walk away? You will most likely have invested time, effort, money and emotionally into this person. They are part of your life. But even if they are not that important to you personally and it wouldn't effect your life in such ways as quiting your job or getting a divorce, it can still be hard. Does it make you a bad person to just dump someone? What will they say and how will they feel? Fact is, you are the most important person in your life. If you're not, then you have some serious soul searching to do. You have to do what is right for you. Usually, when someone if draining you and you tell them to go away, they will find someone else to drain. You don't need to worry about them so much. They can take care of their own needs without you just fine, just like they have been doing by leeching off you. They weren't being friends. They used you, whether they were aware of it or not.


But what about your hubby? Or your boss? What to do about them? First you better make sure they are really at fault before you do anything. Ask yourself the right questions, ask them the right questions and weigh their answers. Are they aware of what they are doing? Can you make them aware? And if you can and do, can they fix it? And will they? In situations like this it is important to give them a fair chance, to give the relationship a fair change, and your career of course. If the other person realizes that they are at fault and they tell you they are willing to help make things better it doesn't mean they can just give you false hope, or buy you dinner once and then go back to beating you. They have to make changes that last. If they don't, confront them again and see if things get better. If they still don't change the things you really need to change, it's time to move on.


I have having trouble with the manager at the gym where I was working. He was chaotic and inconsistent. He told people what ever they wanted to hear just to get them off his back and then break his promises. He is also a bad listener and would sometimes even just walk off while you were speaking to him. Personally I think he's on the verge of having a major meltdown. He walks around with this hollow face and blank stare. It's worrying. It's also extremely frustrating to work for someone who doesn't know what's going on in his own gym while things are falling apart and he doesn't fix anything. He goes for short term solutions, pissing people off in the long run. He just hired a new girl to replace one of the girls who had a front desk job but he told the girl she could do personal training and stuff because that's what she wants. But he hired her for the front desk. I warned her not to get her hopes up and I wonder how long it's going to take before she gets bored, angry, or both. I sure as hell was. I was bored and angry. Those two usually go hand in hand for me. If I'm stuck in a place where I'm bored and can't grow and learn new things. When I'm not challenged, I get angry and frustrated. So I had started looking for other opportunities to learn, other gyms where I would find the challenge that I need. I had planned on leaving things in a decent manner without shouting or hard feelings. No such luck. He managed to push my buttons by bitching at me and I threw in the towel. Well, my personal trainer shirt actually. Quite literally though. If felt good. It's a weight off my back and I can finally breath again. On the other hand, all the stress that had been building up is coming out now and I'm noticing how tired I really am. I'm going to take the time I had scheduled to work for myself to regain my energy. Lord knows I need it. This means I will have plenty time to catch up on some reading, doing a bit of painting and meditating. I feel better already.

A bit about fitness and gyms.

Right now I should be studying. They are launching the new releases this weekend at both the gyms where I teach Balance. I'm at track 4 right now, out of 9. I need a bit of a break every now and then though so it's okay to be writing this. Don't tell me it's not cause I'm doing it anyway. I know I only have tomorrow left before I have to teach Balance and I have a nutrition workshop tomorrow and have friends coming over for dinner but none the less, I'm pretty sure I'll know the whole release by Monday. Except the sun salutations maybe; they drive me nuts already. I don't think the students on Monday will mind much if I mess up or use an old track. They're not very picky and the manager doesn't seem like the type to complain unless the participants complain. No one there really seems to care much about quality in general. It's a budget gym after all. Still, I don't think that should matter.


It's the same problem at the gym where I work as a fitness instructor. All the other instructors spend most of their time drinking coffee, chatting with their friends, checking facebook and horsing around. I'm one of those strange people who actually talks to members to ask what they're doing and why and tell them if those two things don't match and if they want to reach their goals maybe they should tuck in their elbows or not overstretch their joints or actually use the muscle they are trying to target. People keep telling me that no one has ever given them any tips on how to work out. It's crazy! That's what the instructors are there for after all. I have to admit that I probably know as much as the rest of the instructors combined and they're all really young so they don't have much experience, but the only way to learn anything is to ask questions and then go looking for the answer. Alas, they don't seem to care. And at this wage, I'm not surprised. It's more profitable to stay on the unemployment line. But still. This is not the kind of work you do to get rich easy. It's the kind of work you do because you have a passion for helping people to become healthy and live happier lives.

I know, I sound very idealistic. I'm afraid I am. That's the reason why I became an instructor. Because I have a passion. Because I want to make this world a better place because right now the world is ugly and I want to try to change it into a place I actually want to live in, one defective person at a time. But I can't do it alone. It would be nice if there were more instructors who share my passion. I know quite a few but they usually don't work at a low budget gym which is a shame because the people who can't afford proper guidance usually need it the most. They usually don't see what they are doing wrong and if no one tells them, they will never find out. This goes for everyone though. I'm only one person and I can't help everyone. The person who can help everyone is themselves. Sounds a bit odd but you know what I mean. If you're not sure if what you are doing is correct, or if you notice you're not making any progress even though you try very hard, or also if you are really sure you are doing everything right but never actually checked what anyone else thought about it, it might be a good idea to check with an instructor some time. See if you can find someone who looks like (s)he knows what's what and ask a few things. Tell them your goals and what you're doing to try to achieve them and see if they have any tips. Show them how you do an exercise and ask if your form is okay or if you could improve it a bit here and there to get more result. I know it should be the instructors who come to you if you're doing something wrong but it's time to face the facts. There are quite a few lazy ones out there and even the ones who are passionate and good at their jobs simply can't keep an eye on everyone all the time. So stand up for yourself and claim what's yours: the right to live in a healthy, fit body. Trust me, it will make life easier.


Just one more tip: try yoga. Seriously. Everyone! should try (read DO) yoga. You will benefit from it in ways you have never imagined. You can find good video's on-line if you can not afford a class.

A bit about food.

I've been having a lot of nerve pain again lately. There is no telling why. It comes and goes. I have permanent nerve damage from my good old anorexia days. My body stripped the fatty acid casings off my nerves in my arms and legs, hands and feet, to preserve my brain. It seems so have worked because I am still alive and function just fine. But the price is nerve pain. Misfires you can call them. The nerve gets triggered for no reason, resulting in pain. It's not comfortable but I have a high pain threshold and you get used to it. It's not fun though, I can tell you that. I used to hope that with a healthy life style it would go away. Alas, eventhough it is a lot better, it will never fully go away.  Some things you can not restore. Obesity has long term effects that can not be reversed as well even if you lose all the extra weight. People hardly think about these things. There are so many things we do now that seem fine at the moment but have devastating effects in the long run. Because we don't see anything happening right now we think we can get away with it. Statements like: my grandparents ate like this all the time and they lived well into their eighties, simply don't apply. We need to develop a new view on the way we treat ourselves.

A Dutch study: http://musclemotion.nl/PDF/052-055%20Voedingswaarde.pdf
And an American one: http://www.utexas.edu/news/2004/12/01/nr_chemistry/

Here in Holland we still promote eating 2 pieces of fruit and 2 ounces of vegetables as day. These recommendations were set back in 1986. The amount of vitamin C in apples has declines by 80% since then. An apple a day does not keep the doctor away anymore.

 

My sister lives in Sydney. She told me the other day that she doesn't buy tomatoes because she can not afford them. She and her boyfriend both have above average incomes. Tomatoes are about 14 dollars per kilo. That's 11 euro's. Can you imagine? But she's not the only one who can not afford to eat healthy. I come across people at the gym on a regular basis who tell me they don't buy fruit because it's too expensive. In a time like this with the economy going down the drain world wide a lot of people are confronted with the choice between quantity and quality when it comes to food. Most people choose quantity. It's nice to get your vitamins but if you don't get in enough energy you're going to starve anyway.

To sum things up: most people can not afford healthy food and choose quantity over quality which can lead to long term, possible permanent damage.

I'm facing the same challenge. I don't have much to spend but am set on eating as healthy as I can. So I save money on a lot of other things. I hardly ever buy clothes, I don't go out but have people come over for a cuppa, I turn off the lights when I'm not in a room, I shower at the gym most of the time, etc. That saves me money to spend on food. I buy most of my fruit and veggies on the market instead of in the supermarket. Yes, even when it rains. It's a lot cheaper, at least, it is here in Holland. And I use my balcony to grow vegetables, strawberries and herbs. This year the harvest was a bit disappointing and it's starting to get colder so it's time to bring some of the pots inside. I am going to plant some new seeds and use the windowsill as a bit of a greenhouse. These are little things one can do but they add up.

I hope this helps people a bit to become more aware and get in good health. You only have one body. Treat it well and it will carry you.

For the Dutch: samenvatting vande voorlichtingsavond bij het VUmc.

Samenvatting gemaakt door Gabriël. Hartelijk dank!


Het begon met een inleiding. Daarin werd genoemd dat men eindelijk wat aan de wachtlijsten gaat doen. Er komen 2 nieuwe psychologen, en nog een paar andere mensen van andere disciplines om het genderteam te versterken.

Daarna was er een praatje over het diagnostische traject. Daarin werd verteld dat je dus gaat bespreken over hoe jouw gendergevoel is en of er dus sprake is van een genderidentiteitsstoornis. Men zal vragen of je een levensverhaal wilt schrijven, en men wil ook een belangrijk ander iemand spreken om een beter beeld van je genderidentiteit te krijgen.
En er wordt gekeken of je nog onderliggende problemen hebt (zoals depressies en angsten) en daarvoor wordt je dan verder verwezen naar een regionale GGZ.
En na de diagnostische fase, die 4 tot 12 maanden kan duren, wordt er met het team besproken of je groen licht krijgt voor de hormonen.

Daarna kwam het verhaal van de hormonen, die tegelijkertijd plaats vindt met de RLE. Ookal leef je al langer in je gewenste geslacht, hier moet je minimaal dat jaar RLE doorlopen. Er waren wat verschillende manieren aangestipt van hoe je de hormonen kon aanbrengen (pillen of een pleister bij de transvrouwen, gel of prikken bij de transmannen) en ook een kort tabelletje van welke effecten die hormonen geven in een pubertijd en dat je kan zien dat het allemaal niet in 1x gebeurd, maar dat er een paar jaar overheen gaat voordat je bij een plafond bent aangekomen. En dat er kans is op leverfunctieproblemen bij beide transgroepen, en meer kans op trombose bij de transvrouwen en kans op hemofilie bij mannen.

Daarna kwam het praatje over de groepen Transvisie Zorg, Transvisie P.O.S.T. en Transgender Netwerk Nederland, die vertelden waar ze voor stonden en waarmee ze je zouden kunnen helpen.
Transvisie zorg had diverse groepen die afhankelijk waren van hoe je staat (dus ben je nog zoekende of ben je een starter, of ben je post-op) en die groepen waren dan gemengd. Als ik me goed herinner hadden ze ook de mogelijkheid voor persoonlijk contact.
Transvisie Post heeft ook zelfhulp groepen, maar dan meer over voor wat je komt: dus mannengroepen, vrouwengroepen, zoekersgroepen, groepen voor ouders van trans*kinderen, groepen voor naasten van transen, en transgendergroepen voor mensen die zich wel als het andere geslacht voelen maar geen operaties enzo laten doen. En ook zij hebben de mogelijkheid op persoonlijke ondersteuning.
En Transgender Netwerk Nederland zet zich in voor alle transgenders als groep, tegen discriminatie en voor het verval van die sterilisatie-eis in de wet.

(toen was er eindelijk pauze)

Daarna ging het praatje over de chirurgie. Er werd maar heel kort aangestipt hoe dat ging, omdat er over enkele maanden een uitgebreide informatie avond voor de MtF en FtM apart komt.
Maar het ging over dus dat men een volledig werkende neovulva kon maken die hetzelfde werkte als een biologische vrouwelijke vagina en waarmee je ook gewoon nog een orgasme kon krijgen.
Voor de transmannen had je 2 opties voor borsten verwijderen: met een grote snee over de borst bij de wat grotere borsten, en rondom het tepelhof bij de kleinere borsten.
Baarmoeder verwijderen wordt gedaan via 3 kleine sneetjes en geeft zo weinig littekens. Men wil in de toekomst de borsten verwijderen en baarmoeder verwijderen in 1 operatie doen, ipv 2 losse.
Voor het creëren van een penis had je 2 opties, maar die hebben beide hun voor en nadelen, en vooral veel mogelijkheden op complicaties omdat het erg klein en fijn is. En het is ook heel belangrijk dat als je aan deze operaties wil beginnen, je eerst goed gaat praten met een arts en seksuologe om te kijken wat je verwachtingen ervan zijn; niet dat je uiteindelijk met een grote teleurstelling thuis komt.

En het laatste praatje kwam er op neer: Stop met roken, want roken is slecht voor je, en heeft ook negatief effect op de opname van hormonen en geeft veel meer risico's bij operaties.

What's life about?

Last night when I went to bed I had a moment of clarity one might say. One of those moments when everything is put into perspective and suddenly seems rather strange. I was lying down in my bed, a construction made of wood, and covered myself with sheets of fabric in a concrete box stacked upon other boxes that we call apartments. All these human made structures, these items, objects, concepts, we made for our convenience. It's supposed to make our lives easier. But when you look at them objectively they seem rather strange. We go through so much effort to obtain these object but what do they really mean to us? Why do we desire them? Are they really important or are they just a way to support our basic needs so we can pursue other goals? We claim the later but act more like it's the first. We let objects control our lives while they actually are just silly things, inventions of our own minds with no true meaning when it comes to happiness. We used to survive in the wilderness with none of these items and were perfectly happy. So instead of making our lives easier and more fulfilling they have made our lives emptier and more burdened.


Right now I am trying to make up an inventory of my life and my needs. What do I want? What is important in my life? One thing I know for sure is that right now I am not happy. This means something has to change. I need to prioritize.

Work at the gym is far from ideal, things are not what I want eventually but those things take time and until New Year's I am set so I should shelf my worries about my fitness career for now. There is nothing I can do right now, as in today, or even the next week, to speed things along. I need to be patient.

I have been able to find a bit of time to paint again lately so that feels good but it's not much. I would like to sell my paintings, even if it's just for a small amount of money. I don't like them sitting here, gathering dust and not having anyone enjoying them. That's the most important thing. I want people to enjoy them and as long as that doesn't happen they have very little value. So if anyone is interested, just make me an offer. As long as it's reasonable I'll probably accept it (check my Facebook page). Right now, having them stack up here, it's just frustrating. It feels pointless.

What happens with gallery Noodweer is up to my companion. I can't say anything about that right now. Exhale and wait.

I went to the information evening at the VUmc about the transition process there. I didn't get a lot of new information. Hardly any. Just one confirmation of a rumor and that's pretty much it. Today I talked to my predecessor about the coordination of the Trans*-initiative here in Leiden. She explained a lot about what's what and everything. It became clear to me that everything really is just small scale and there isn't that much we can do. I keep forgetting how small our group seems to be. I still find that hard to believe. I heard numbers of close to a million people in The Netherlands having some form of transgenderism. Of course this is a huge sliding scale going from simply not fitting the standard narrative of your gender to full transsexuality. But somehow there seems to be no space for the gray scale. Somehow we are expected to focus fully on the transsexuals. I guess people need to understand the extreme before they can understand what's between the extremes but still, it makes me feel like we are missing something important.

My own transition is not moving along at all. I'm still on the waiting list. Other then that everyone knows now and mostly everyone is okay with it. That's great. Now I still need to work on accepting it myself. I can accept being masculine. What's a lot harder is accepting that something as bizarre as this has happened to me, before I was born even, and has been with me my whole life. I never wanted to be a transsexual. I just want to be me. And now suddenly I have a cause to fight for. I'm a member of a very special club that you can only be a part of if you were born with some sort of brain defect. People tell me I'm brave and they are proud of me. As if what I'm doing, trying to be myself, is a major accomplishment and as if they should have some sort of opinion on it or should validate these things. I never asked for any of this. I totally understand why a lot of transmen blend in and try to pretend they are just like all the other guys. Why they run from it. It's exhausting. And I just got started. It takes over your entire life. I wonder if it will ever end. If one day being trans will be so accepted and understood that it doesn't turn your entire life into a constant struggle. Somehow I doubt it.

There are so many things I want to do in my life, so many thing I want to learn. Right now I am stuck with reading up on gender issues and sorting out my insurance and trying to get the hospital to see me before next summer. Right now I'm going to have to pay over 500 euro's just to have a few talks with some psychiatrists so they can send me to an endocrinologist so he can prescribe me my testosterone shots that don't get covered. At least, the ones you only have to take once every 3 months don't get covered. The ones you have to take every 2-3 weeks do get covered but they usually don't prescribe those. I won't even mention surgery.  I would rather save up that money to visit my sister who now lives in Sydney. It would be nice to see her more then once or maybe twice a year. But no. I have to spend all the extra money I make on medical bills.Bills I never intended to have. And compared to some other countries I am lucky. In some countries I would get lynched. At least that's one blessing I can count.